Understanding is scaffolded in part by our accumulated cultural metaphors. For better or for worse, I must confess that many of my internalized metaphors came from watching Star Trek. And these days I’m thinking a lot about Vulcans.
In love sometimes we have to surrender. We have to surrender so we can stop the fight and get back to connection. Resolving the problem should not take priority over how we solve the problem. If it does, if we think solving the problem is more important than how we solve it we will create a new, and more difficult problem to solve.
In other words, HOW we solve the problem – in the long run – is the most important thing. And relationships are all about the long run. Connection is made to last.
The White Flag exercise is a 20 – 30 minute exercise. It is a way to stop the worry, the hurt, the disconnection, the battle and get back to neutral ground. This exercise will take less time than how long you would take staying in the worry. And it has a better outcome.
If the player doesn’t show, you can click here to listen: WEfulness 001 – The 2 Minute Miracle
For further information, you can read the article that inspired the broadcast: 2 Minute Miracle by Shane Adamson
(Please note: The audio is transcribed “as is,” spoken grammar glitches and all.)
Welcome to Wefulness where we discuss the science of profound connection. I am WEfulness co-director Gregory Blake. Today we are talking with relationship expert Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen. Besides being a professional psychologist and licensed counselor, she is also my co-editor and the professional voice at WEfulness.com.
G: Hi Becca, it’s great to finally get in touch with you.
R: Oh yeah, it’s so good to talk to you. I’ve really been looking forward to today.
G: The reason I wanted to talk to you today was mostly because of something you sent me from a colleague of yours the other day. I believe the title is “The 2 Minute Miracle” and I was wondering if you could talk first about the issue he was trying to address. Continue reading
Is sadness the opposite of happiness? Clinicians, do you have a real definition? It seems ridiculous, but I’m not entirely sure I know.
During some quiet time, my wife and I were sharing answers to a few of the questions I’d read while flipping through the Love Maps app from the Gottman Institute.
The question for me was, “What was your partner’s happiest moment?”
That one was a easy – our wedding day. If you saw the smile on her face that day, the choice was obvious. Her face literally hurt at the end of the day. We talked about why that day made her happy. She talked about feelings of love, joy, accomplishment, and even relief. Like I say, an obvious choice.
But then the obvious discussion point coming back to me was “What was the saddest day in your life?” Continue reading
“What’s love to you?”
“I don’t know. You tell me!”
A dear friend caught me off guard a while back when she challenged me to define love. It turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. The problem for me was not that I don’t know what love is, but rather I had a hard time trying to identify and pull apart the characteristics of the kind of love we were talking about – spousal love; the love you hope you can share with a partner for a lifetime. I had to think about it a lot and essentially the best I could come up with is that it is a kind of “pinnacle” love… it contains all the characteristics of many kinds of love.
So, for example, I believe the sentiments of the following verse: “And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” While this is a component of my relationship with my Mrs., obviously I love her differently than I love God or my neighbor.
I also look to a different verse – “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” This is the “rope over a precipice of death” test. If I was dangling on an unraveling rope with her, would I be willing to let go if I knew my sacrifice would save her life? Is there a component of wanting to put the other person first? This one is a little counter cultural these days, but I feel it still applies if your goal is a long term relationship. It must also be viewed in the light of the first verse as it follows that if we do not love ourselves, we can’t really offer love to our neighbor. The problem with this definition of love, however, is that there are many people that I could say this about. I certainly would let go of the rope for my children, for example. Continue reading