RR#3 – Deep connections give rise to intense emotions

Today’s “Reading that Resonates” is  from chapter 1, page 6, of the Handbook of Attachment:

RR#3 - Deep connections give rise to deep emotions.

“Many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption, and the renewal of attachment relationships. The formation of a bond is described as falling in love, maintaining a bond as loving someone, and losing a partner as grieving over someone. Similarly, threat of loss arouses anxiety and actual loss gives rise to sorrow; whilst each of these situations is likely to arouse anger. The unchallenged maintenance of a bond is experienced as a source of joy.” ~ Dr. John Bowlby

This resonated with me because: Continue reading

RR#2 – Connection and the Freedom to Explore

Today’s RR is another quote from chapter 1 of the Handbook of Attachment:

“Thus attachment, far from interfering with exploration, is viewed as fostering exploration.” ~ Dr. Jude Cassidy, pg. 8

RR#2 - [Secure connection], far from interfering with exploration, is viewed as fostering exploration.

This resonated with me because:

  • I’ve experienced it. When I have felt the most connected to my wife and other special others, I have been more willing to try new things, learn new things, and take risks.
  • this is in stark contrast to the notion that attachment is all about being chained to someone and that being connected to someone is an abdication of freedom.
  • on a related note, it was validating. I love romantic gestures, but have been accused of offering too much and caving in to the whims of my “ball and chain” wife. What people don’t realise is that these “connection builders” have helped to build trust and love in my relationship; so much so that I have significant freedoms that other men don’t.
Random thought for the day: I’ve also decided to refer to attachment as “connection” or “secure connection” when I’m talking to  non-psych types. If finding that the word attachment comes with too much unintended baggage. Really, all we are talking about when we talk about attachment is our deep connections… especially those connections to the people we’d turn to in times of distress.

Does this quote resonate for you? Positively? Negatively?  I’d love to hear your comments.

Exercise #1: White Flag – 8 Steps to Reconnection

In love sometimes we have to surrender. We have to surrender so we can stop the fight and get back to connection. Resolving the problem should not take priority over how we solve the problem.  If it does, if we think solving the problem is more important than how we solve it we will create a new, and more difficult problem to solve.

In other words, HOW we solve the problem – in the long run – is the most important thing. And relationships are all about the long run. Connection is made to last.

The White Flag exercise is a 20 – 30 minute exercise. It is a way to stop the worry, the hurt, the disconnection, the battle and get back to neutral ground. This exercise will take less time than how long you would take staying in the worry. And it has a better outcome.
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