RR07 – Cuddling is Crucial

My shoulder was made to hold your head, my hand to hold yours by Katie Tegtmeyer, on FlickrToday’s “Relationship Reading” is from chapter 20, page 441, of the Handbook of Attachment.

Debra Zeifman & Cindy Hazan note:

“Cuddling, or contact comfort, as demonstrated by Harlow (1958), is crucial for the establishment of emotional bonds.”

This quote resonated with me for a number of reasons:

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006 – How to Have an Argument with an Avoidant Partner

You Are Not Listening by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie via Flikr.com“Avoidant” partners often attempt to protect the relationship during conflict by pulling away. This is ironic given that Dr. John Gottman has identified stonewalling – emotional withdrawal from interaction – one of the four best predictors of divorce.

Obviously, reducing conflict is one way to avoid triggering this response, however, conflict in our dance with our closest relations is inevitable. So how exactly does one have a fair fight with an “avoidant” without destroying the relationship? Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen and I explore this subject in our latest podcast.

 

If the player does not show, you can click here to listen: 006 – How to Have an Argument with an Avoidant Partner.

Transcript

Welcome to Wefulness where we discuss the science of profound connection.  I’m Wefulness co-editor Gregory Blake.  Today we are talking with relationship expert Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen.

G:  Hi Becca.

R:  Hey Greg.

G:  I have a question that’s been in my mind for a while now.  With so much of the avoidants’ behavior being pulling away, I wonder how do you have a fair argument with someone who is avoidant?  If you can’t talk to them or that is sort of my impression so I need some clarification on it.  How do we actually have disagreements?  Cause disagreements happen in all relationships, so I’m curious.

R:  Okay, well that’s a great question, first off.  None of us really like to have arguments, but we know invariably that they’re going to happen when we are walking in close proximity to someone, we end up stepping on each other’s toes.  Or the analogy that Sue Johnson would use, we’re dancing with someone in a close relationship; we’ll end up tripping up on each other, stepping on each other’s toes.  At those times, that’s when we’re really talking about.  What happens then if the person that you are dancing with is avoidant?  And when you get tripped up, what they want to do is get off the dance floor.  That’s kind of the question, right? Continue reading

RR06 – “We don’t think; we feel, we act.”

RR06 - "We don't think; we feel, we act."Today’s “Relationship Reading” is another quote from page 30 of the “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Sue Johnson.

In this section of the book, Dr. Johnson is discussing “primal panic” set off by attachment distress. “We don’t think; we feel, we act.” – is the outcome when the brain’s amygdala takes over if an attachment figure is all of a sudden unavailable or unresponsive. Continue reading

RR05 – The Roots of Relationship Distress

Today’s “Reading that Resonates” (or maybe I should rename these Relationship Readings?) is from page 30 of the “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Sue Johnson.

RR05 - What is at the root of relationship distress?

“Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.” ~ Dr. Sue Johnson

I went back to look this up again today because: Continue reading

RR04 – The 4 Defining Features of Deep Connections

Today’s “Reading that Resonates” is  from chapter 20, page 437, of the Handbook of Attachment.

RR04 - Attachment Bonds have four defining features.Debra Zeifman & Cindy Hazan, summarize Dr. John Bowlby’s definition as such:

“Attachment bonds have four defining features: “proximity maintenance,” “separation distress,” “safe haven,” and “secure base.” ”

As I understand the terms, a paraphrase might be something like…

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