Dear Page

Insomnia via Some rights reserved by Alyssa L. Miller

Dear Page,

I am speaking to you tonight
because he won’t.

4:30am and my mind won’t turn off
Words rolling in my head
Apologies, rebuttals, hurt met by silence
Gathering steam and momentum on their own
Absorbing the energy of imagined bile, manipulation
grow, multiply, expand
to things paradoxically rational and ugly
arguments I wish he would hear
before they get too loud

Time in darkness does not heal me
or allow me to find level ground

time is
more words
falling faster, faster
downhill in this torment.

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About Jennifer

I have been told I have a tendency to clingy and needy in my relationship with my partner. (I hate those labels, BTW). My therapist says I have been a pursuing partner in my relationship; "anxious" in attachment theory jargon. We've been struggling, but I'll die if we don't end up finding a way to make it work.

1 thought on “Dear Page

  1. Alone again. Met with silence. That really is a place of suffering. We do suffer after discord when we are left in disconnection. The disconnection prompts us to keep looking; imagining ways to recreate connection. Connection that hears and responds, that holds and comforts. There you are, waiting and wondering and suffering in that stuck place.

    It’s important when you’re in that stuck place to recognize the feelings that keep your head spinning in exhausting silence. You know this place, the feeling of aloneness, the fear of never being heard or understood or confident of your importance. You vacillate between longing for understanding and angry that you’re alone and not understood, your mind racing all the while.

    When you’re in this fatiguing, tormenting place there is something you can do to stop your downhill falling. Like a downhill skier, knowing how to slow, turn and stop your run-away emotions is critical to prevent catastrophe and change course. It takes strength and skill to stop your run-away emotions. Strength supplied from your desire and commitment to your relationship. The skill is developed by practice, or emotional exercise.

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